Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Reality of it ALL

This blog is more of a reality check, I am going to be real here. Because I know there are other adoptive parents out there who probably go through some of the same thought patterns and struggles as I do. That's where the enemy  enjoys attacking us moms.   If anybody knew the mind battles we sometimes have with ourselves they might just well, gasp!

The reality of it is though, is that we are real people with real issues and we struggle within ourselves to give out continuously. We don't always have the happy times as our photos show we do though that is our goal!!!  We don't feel like super parents as a lot of people comment to us that we are. We don't even know what normal is anymore! (That might be a good thing! LOL. ) Unlike most families, we experience EXTREME ups and downs with our kids and family life and if we really shared with people what we deal with..... well, it would be kinda a lot  for them to process....
It is a lot for us to process!


 Well, here we are at the end of a school year and with a house full of kids, life is swarming around me and I really want to hide!  But that is not the case! For one our house is too small and they always find me! For the other I've never been one to run from trouble or chaos.  Life can get chaotic around here for sure and the flight mechanism does rare up inside of me quiet often, but I constantly choose to ignore it.  With so many different cultures, personalities, hurts and issues from past traumas  and currently 5 first borns in this house, I sometimes feel overwhelmed at trying to manage it all.  I don't feel like a great mom, I get overwhelmed and exasperated at people and their way of thinking. I feel like I don't love well.  I use ugly words and faces. I have no time to do what I want to.  I give and no one gives back.  I feel drained.  I feel invisible.  I want to cuss, I want to slap somebody! I want to dive into the mud hole of self pity and scream and moan and groan!  I sometimes wish for an ordinary boring, normal life!!! i ask God why me??? Ugh!
These are realities I battle with everyday.  Sometimes I give in and let them overwhelm me and wallow in them. Sometimes I take offense and scream and pitch a temper tantrum.
BUT I realize that those reactions are not good and do not accomplish anything else but create  a bigger mud pit!  Thankfully, I see them  happening less and less in my life, or I recognize them sooner and can nip them in the bud before they escalate into something bigger. This is good. Maybe, this means that I am giving the reins more and more tot he Holy Spirit and allowing him to work more in my life and maybe it means that as a mom, I am learning to love better. ( I'll explain more in a minute)
(Thanks to my friend Mary, who pointed out to me, "Melissa,  that means you ARE loving well, because you realize when you aren't and you want to correct it." )

 I also realize that I have  fears myself. I fear REJECTION.  I fear that they will not accept the goodness and love offered to them and that they will grow up and have nothing again.  I fear that they will never see themselves as sons and daughters but will continue in the mindset of, " I am an orphan and always will be." ( It sometimes takes years for hurt kids to see themselves as accepted and to understand the concept of family)

It is there that  I know I have come to a cross roads. It is there that I call out to Jesus to help me see them as He sees them. It is there that I have to release them and myself at the cross and let Jesus be their Savior, to let him be my Savior. To let him take my cares upon himself. It is only then that my burden becomes light.   My intentions are good becuase I have this intense desire to see my kids' hearts healed and their traumas of their past hurts washed away. I want to see them live in spiritual freedom, but how can they if I  do not live in that freedom as their parent?
 I have to continually run to Him to heal my wounds to be replenished with His Love.  Through my adoptive parenting years, I have discovered that normal, earthly human love, and Behavior modifications cannot heal a broken, lonely and traumatized heart. Only a Supernatural LOVE can do that. My quest is to know how to be a carrier of that Supernatural LOVE.  As I discover more and more of who God is as the Lover of my soul, I discover that I am filled by Him to breathe His LIFE into my hurt kids.
If you are an adoptive parent, I pray that the Revelation of the Truth that GOD IS LOVE as it is written in   1 John 4:8 will replenish you and give you what you need to parent your treasures.  I pray that God will send someone across your path  today to give you that word of Encouragement that you need. I pray that the Holy Spirit will send peace to surround you and remind you that you are blessed among women because you are the family that said "Yes, we are willing to be the family that you can set the lonely into." ( Psalm 68:6)
And here is one last scripture that I ran across this morning that I want to share. Galatians 5:13 - You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 
 This is you. This is me. We have Christ living us, to issue freedom by serving in LOVE.

LOVE.  What a wonderful complicated word. We can really only understand it by seeking the LOVER of OUR SOULS. Which is God himself. We can only love better, by drinking from  the well of Living water.  How simple but sometimes so complicated.......

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