Sunday, February 21, 2010


Warning: I am going to be transparent in this post.

Last night as I was online waiting to have my "nightly date" with my hubby on yahoo IM, my son Ben popped up to chat. I was not in the mood really to chat to anybody. Honestly, I was having a bad evening. I was wrestling with all this mess of the approval being lost and not showing up here in Kampala yet. Poor Duane got the brunt of my frustrations last night, so I'm afraid our date wasn't the greatest. My heart was struggling to rejoice which I wanted so hard heartedly to do. I wanted to walk on the water but I kept looking at the waves, I wanted to dance and rejoice on top of my circumstances but I couldn't find the music. I was praying in the Spirit crying out to God, because I had no words left to express my disappointment and sadness, I was fighting anger- not at God but at people who couldn't get a move on with papers, at the enemy and at myself for feeling and acting like this. I was thankful for my friends who wrote and said they were rejoicing on my behalf, that they were laughing for me because they knew the enemy was already defeated and were encouraging me to laugh and rejoice. So, when Ben popped up to Chat, I sort of blew him off. But my sweet Ben, ignored me and chatted any way and I am glad he did. He said he had a Word for me.
That ususally means a long drawn out detailed explanation of some sort before he finally gets to the Word he needs to share or the point he needs to make.

But last night he got straight to the point. (Sort of)
"Mom, I got this word from God the other day, and I asked God,"What does this mean?" And he said, "God said, I want you to deliver it to someone, but I'll tell you later."
Then Ben said that last night, "God said, Tell your mom."
So Ben said, "Mom, you are to read Psalm 26-27. Ok?" It's for you.
I told him that I would and that "I really didn't want to talk right now, but thanks, I love you."
Eventually , through the evening, God comforted me and the heaviness I was feeling lifted somewhat.
To be honest, I forgot what Ben had told me, until this morning and I looked it up.
It was just what I needed. I should have read it last night.
So publicly, I want to Tell Ben, because I know he is my most faithful blog reader and will see this,
"Honey, I am sorry that I was moody last night, but I am thankful you love me anyway and that you are always the encourager. Thanks for having a listening heart to hear God's voice. To point me to Scripture that encouraged me and uplifted me. You are an awesome kid!"
Here is part of what Ben told me to read:

"Vindicate me, O Lord, for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted the Lord without wavering,
Test me O Lord, and try me. Examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me and I walk continually in your truth.....My feet stand on level ground; in the great assembly, I will praise the Lord. The Lord is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold in my life- of whom shall I be afraid?... though war break out against me, even then will I be CONFIDENT. .... Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, Seek his face! Your face, Lord I will seek..... you have been my helper...
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalms 26-27.

The Psalms is probably my favorite book in the Bible and God has spoken to me through it many times over. In a way, I feel like David and I could have been great friends. So many times he has expressed in this book how I am feeling, and how I think. David was a man after God's own heart. Oh how I want to be a woman after God's own heart as well.
What frustrates me is that last week, I had this sense, that my mission here was over. That hey the delays have been for a purpose and some of those purposes I know of. I felt in my spirit, "It is time to go home!" Then NOTHING works out according to plan, my plan that is, and so here I am wondering why I felt like that. Was it just my feeling of that and not God speaking to me? The enemy has worked hard to discourage us, not just me, but my husband and kids as well. I am struggling to rejoice in this adversity. I have to keep going back to the scripture to get my focus in the right place.

"May the God of my hope so fill me with all joy and peace in believing-through the experience of my faith- that by the power of the Holy Spirit I may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over) with hope."

Romans 15:13 Amp (paraphrased)

Fears have rose up with in me that I knew not were there and I have had to face them and give them to Jesus. God has taught me many things on a deep level that I am not even sure that I know how to word them. He has taught me to walk on the water. He has taught me to continue to Hope. He has taught me that He is my only source of Peace and Comfort. He has taught me that my part here on this earth is only an inkling of a fragment of His big plan for the Kingdom. He has given me dreams and direction for my life. He has allowed me to speak into the lives of others. He has changed things in my kid's lives that if I had been present , I might have been a hindrance. So now I look at these past 2 1/2 months and know God has worked all things out not only for our good but for the good of others.
I know my God is still Faithful and he always completes what He has started. I KNOW THIS.
So why am I struggling? I think it is ok to struggle though. David did. He poured out his feelings to God. Then in the end of every lament, he declared, that God was his Salvation and He praised the Lord His God!
He knew that God's Everlasting Love was pure. It was "Hesed" love---- that is, a love that does not have to be given away to those outside of the bloodline, but God extended it every time and called him son. I am so glad that I know He extends that "Hesed" love to me as well. In the end I will know that God is my Salvation and I will Praise God for all of his marvelous works. Surely His Goodness and Mercy follow me and they will follow me home very soon.

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