Some days were so lonely and I missed Duane so terribly. We instant messaged a lot because it was free. I wish I had kept records of the conversations and had put them in my journal. I did a couple and this is one of them. Though personal I thought it good for others to see some of the rawness.
Duane and I had been having a conversation where he felt like he was to help me more with the kids to allow me time to paint and do other things. Honestly, I felt it was all words. Though it was what I wanted, I wasn't sure if it would ever actually happen. In the end I apologized to Duane for not trusting him. This is part of what I wrote:
"You are my lover and God is the lover of my soul and I am craving for you both to fill my needs
which are sometimes greater than life
I guess I haven't allowed you or Him the freedom to do it the way it should be done because I have not trusted enough
You must admit, I am too much sometimesok now Im crying".