March 20, 2008

March 20

March 20, 2008 Well, today I have been thinking about some things and thought I better put them down on paper before they skip out of my mind forever. You know God has a way of showing you that you can do things that you never thought you could. I never thought I could leave my husband and kids for such a long period of time. . I remember thinking at one time,” We should adopt from Kazakhstan but I could never be gone 6 weeks!” HA! HA! I say now. It has been really hard, I must admit. There have been days that I thought I could not make it and did not even want to get out of the bed to face the day but God has shown me His strength and held me and carried me on those rough days. There have been times that I thought that God wasn’t even hearing my prayers. But I know He was. Some days the loneliness just seems to overwhelm me but then again, God reminds me I am never alone. Some of the things I have learned were hard lessons but I hope I will go home and not forget them. When writing them down, some of them may sound stupid or “Duh, Melissa, it’s about time you figured that out!” but God knew I needed to learn them and so He thought Africa would be a good place! Separated from all that would keep me from discovering these truths. Boy, writing some of them in words is going to be really hard. They all sort of go together. I am a control person and I like things to go my way. I plan. I set things in place and I am good at doing that. I like my ducks in a row. I accomplish things. This comes from having run a business and a large family. I like things to run smoothly. Because of this mode of thinking, God really isn’t given much room to work! I know in my spiritual life, this has been something I have struggled with. Deep down within, I know that I needed to give God more control and really wanted to do that. Over the past year, God has been gracious and I have been learning to do that. I prayed before this trip that I would let go of all I held on to in this physical world and just want Jesus. That this trip would be glorifying to God. Be careful what you pray for! So deep with in me was this longing to know God on a deeper level and He had been taking me there but I still held on to my ideas, ways and plans. Being here in Africa has left me totally out of control of everything! No control over my family back home, no control over any of the process of the kids passports. No control over small things in daily life such as what I want to eat or leaving the compound when I have total cabin fever! Some days, no control over the kids living with me in a very small room. No control of my emotions at times. No control over the amount of sleep I want. No control at all. No plan to put into action. I finally came to the conclusion that God was answering my prayer. For Him to have control, I had to have none! This has caused my total dependence on HIM for everything! I have thought many times, If I didn’t have God, how could I have hope? How could I know that the end will turn out right? At the times when I thought I was hanging on to the last thread of my rope with heartache and disappointment and cried out to God, “I can’t do this! God! I am so weak! I can’t do it! I heard a still small voice whisper, “You can’t, but I can!” My Heavenly Father, reminded me who was in control and He could. When my plane tickets had to be changed the first time, I sort of hit bottom because I couldn’t believe God didn’t come through for us on the passports. I was also short on cash and didn’t have the money to change them. I think I cried for almost 2 days. Worrying about it all and disappointed. But then again, GOD showed me that HE WAS GOD!. Being here has really worn me down physically and emotionally but I am learning to hand all that over daily to God. Satan doesn’t want me strong and healthy. I get worn down and can’t fight the battles I need to. I have been sick quite a bit since here with the usual stomach stuff and other minor things. I’ve been hit hard with Allenni’s bout with Asthma. Mukisa will get better from one thing only to have another problem. I didn’t realize it until the other day when God made it very clear to me, but I had been fearing for weeks that one of the kids was going to die in my care. What lies the devil feeds us sometimes. I laid that at Jesus feet and wonderfully I am not fearing that anymore. I was sort of shocked by the realization of that truth, because I usually don’t think about things like that. That lifted a burden off of me in an incredible way. I have also learned that through all these emotions of loneliness, sadness, disappointment, hopelessness and weariness that when depression sets in, that I have to make the choice to either put my eyes on the circumstances or to put my eyes on Jesus. There have been days that I have made the wrong choice. But I am learning. I have to declare as David did, “You, my God are my strong tower and your joy is my strength.” I can’t explain it but this peace and contentment wash over me and my spirits are totally lifted. I have come to this conclusion. My flesh is weak but I can tell my mind, my heart and soul,”You will bless the Lord Oh, My soul and all that is with in me”. I can make the choice to praise instead of cry! I can make my body and sinful nature to succumb to praise the Lord in my direst circumstances.